As expected, Ops Intimidation Game hasn't been coming along very smoothly at all. As I've said before, I guess the major cause of the problem is due to my initial 'fast and furious' approach to revision. Unfortunately, as I don't really have a lot of experience in doing things fast and furious, I end up overdoing it and 'fast and furious' becomes 'too fast, too furious'. As a result, I end up burning out too quickly and having little motivation or willpower to simply move on.

Ops Lightning Storm last semester was indeed fast and furious, but I had kick-started the operation with just three weeks remaining. By the time I was burning out, it was pretty much nearing the end of the exams. I guess that's how I got slightly better grades than in the first semester.

I know I've said that I can't really be the best and that I can only hope to do my best and accept whatever results that comes my way. The truth is, I sometimes find it hard to convince myself to accept whatever I'm saying. Regardless of what the idealists may tell you, academic success is indeed important. While grades aren't everything, surely having a solid academic grounding will put you firmly on the road to success.

It was so much easier for me to accept that academic success wasn't everything in the past. Back when I was in JC 2 the Public Service Commission gave me and some of my peers notice that they were interested in us and wanted us to take a psychometric test to gauge our suitability for a PSC scholarship. I didn't think I'd get anywhere past the test, but I actually did pass through it and got to the next round along with a few others. They indicated to me that they were interested in me and wanted to sponsor me to take the SAT test (it wasn't part of university requirements at that time, but it was a scholarship prerequisite). The only condition was that I had to take two S Papers on top of my four A Level subjects. With a good A Level showing, they'd put me up for further review before further deciding on whether or not to award me a scholarship.

I'm not trying to show off here. I was like, 'Woah.... a PSC scholarship for little ol' me?' I decided to plunge headlong into the challenge. Unfortunately, as it turned out, things weren't exactly that simple.

Believe me, taking 4 A Level subjects, 2 AO papers, and 2 S papers is highly detrimental to one's health. Compounding my workload was the MCS-organised annual Gema Temasek performance which I was highly involved in. Additionally, we all know the heavy financial problems I had which caused me to go hungry much of the time. All those factors conspired to take a heavy burden on my abilities and willpower.

Hungry, sleep-deprived and delirious with my near-constant flu attacks (I fell ill once every three weeks or so), I kept telling myself that I had to get the PSC scholarship no matter the cost. I had to get the scholarship or die trying.

Then I found myself running up against and hitting a wall. Metaphorically, of course. I started asking myself, 'Why should I DIE TRYING to be someone I'm not? Why don't I just do whatever I do best and make the most of whatever I can do? Why don't I just be who I am?'

I decided that it was simply not worth torturing myself to be someone I'm not. I was doing it all the wrong way... I viewed success as about being the best. The truth is, I'm not the best, I was never the best, and can never be the best. As much as it would be nice to have the ultimate honour of a PSC scholarship, it's just not worth it to torture myself over it.

In the end, I dropped both my S Papers and wrote a withdrawal letter to the people in charge of the whole thing. With the end of Gema Temasek and my clearing of the Yr 2 June Paper for my Malay AO, things got much better. I suddenly found myself having more free time on my hands than I ever had. I started making the most of it and put in the effort to slowly pull up my A Level subjects. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do, but it was a whole lot more easier without all that excess baggage weighing me down.

We all know the rest of the story.

I know I've been dealing a lot with this theme of what success is all about.... I guess I'm having problems trying to convince myself of what I'm saying.